My question was closed with the stated reason being:
Questions must involve real code that you own or maintain. Pseudocode, hypothetical code, or stub code should be replaced by a concrete example.
That sounds like a fair enough rule, but there's just one problem: this is actual code. It's not theoretical code or pseducode - it's actual code that I've written that I have come up with a few different ways of writing, and I'd like some feedback on which seems best, or, if there's another better possible way of writing it, I'd like to hear that. I feel like there's a simpler way that I haven't considered yet.
I added a comment for the diamond moderator explaining why my question was on-topic, but I didn't get a response.